Getting back up!

***Warning: this post may not be an easy one to write and it may cause feelings of sadness and anger and other negative emotions. I know that as I think about what will come as I type, I have tears forming.***

News flash: I see a therapist. I have for a while now. She has helped a lot. I also get so sad that I fall into a deep dark hole that I have to claw at to feel like I'm on my way out. Only to realize the next day/hour/minute, I'm still there. Some days, I'm able to feel normal. What is normal though? Being happy all the time? Psh.  Pretending like everything is okay? Yeah that's more like it. Until you fall even further in that hole you so desperately need out of... I feel crazy sometimes.

The mister and I have endured recurrent pregnancy loss. It. Sucks. I wish so desperately that we didn't have to go through this, ever. But we have been dealt this hand and we will play it. That isn't to say its all bad. I feel like Phil and I have grown closer over the past year. I feel like I've learned more about my body in the past 10 months than I knew the first 28 years. I feel like I've learned so much about who really is there for us.

Feeling alone. Heck, sometimes I can be surrounded by several people and yet still feel so alone. How can that be? Feel alone when there's someone beside you? That's not normal, right?

I feel like I've been knocked down one too many times. Like I didn't even get a punch in. Beaten to a pulp, with no hope. But ya know what? I got up. And sometimes that's what matters. Getting up. So that's what I did!!! I GOT BACK UP! Well, I'm getting back up. Lol. Grief is something that can't be given a time frame or expiration date. I wish I could say I'd be all fixed tomorrow. But the truth of this hell is that you don't know that. No one knows how long grief will last, only God. I'm learning this isn't in my control no matter how much I struggle with that. Anyone who knows me, knows I struggle with things I cannot control. Being a military wife, I've had to roll with the punches when it comes to Phil's career. So I focused on controlling things at home. Now that has become something I cannot always control. I haven't been the nicest person to be around lately and I haven't been the best wife I need to be.

Thankfully Phil is amazing (yes he knows it) and supports me no matter what. Dirty dishes piling up? It's okay, we'll use paper plates for a while. Clothes still on the chair from where I didn't take them upstairs? It's okay, we'll just get dressed downstairs. Don't want to cook what's on the menu tonight? It's okay, we'll just order out. I truly cannot imagine spending my days with any other man. He has been there through it all and even though we may argue over silly stuff, I wouldn't trade him for the world. Quirks and all :)

Well, that wasn't as hard as I thought. Flowed quite freely out of me. It may not make sense to you, and that's okay! This is more for my healing. I have decided to stop asking why, and start asking what. What does God want me to learn? What can I do to be an encouragement to others? Maybe I've gone through this past years hardships so that I can encourage someone later down the road. Maybe I've gone through this past years hardships so that Phil and I can be closer. Have a better marriage. Maybe I won't know for years to come. And today, that's okay with me.

One final thought. I found this blog post today. It describes how I've felt in the past to a T. Warning, it may be a tough one to get through. Raw emotions.
http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/10/next-time-will-better-recurrent-pregnancy-loss/

You may never need this advice. But if you do, I hope you'll just get back up.

Vicky, out. :)