Off on a tangent...or two or three

I had another surgery today. Another d&c. Yep, same procedure as the one in June but different purpose. This time, they were removing a polyp. After a few months of knowing it was there and knowing that with it, chances of a successful pregnancy were diminished, it has been evicted. The doctor also removed some extra tissue. I don't remember much due to serious anesthesia, but what I do remember is having an amazing doctor. She has been where I am. She lost multiple babies, had to take aspirin and extra folic acid, progesterone, and after all of this she was able to have her second living child. I know that when she offers her condolences or platitudes, they aren't just from her trainings or a book. She truly knows how I feel. Things I can't always express to everyone. Sometimes it's just a look and she gives one back and I know. Know that she's there to support me through this as a doctor. Is she my best friend? No. I have one of those and she's been there too unfortunately. Multiple pregnancy loss and now has her spunky little stinker. Man I love that kid and his parents!! 

Back to today- I woke up from surgery very much in emotional pain. It sucked being there again. Even if it wasn't for the same reason as the last, it brought back all of the emotions of being in the naval hospital six and a half months ago. I bawled then too. My first words out of surgery that time? I miss our baby. First words this time? It makes me remember and miss our baby. It's amazing what the body remembers when the mind tries to be strong! No matter how hard I tried to focus on this surgery being different than the last, I still sobbed. It took them about 20 minutes to get me calm. Reassuring me, I was awake from surgery and "okay". Ha! Okay? Ha!!

My doctor says, it's okay we got everything out and we're gonna get you pregnant. :) definitely don't have trouble getting pregnant but those words felt good. She's done so much for my husband and I! We are definitely thankful for her and their practice. 

2014 will be a better year. I'm declaring it now! We have come so far these last 12 months and I know we will continue to be blessed in our marriage through it all! This man is amazing. Be jealous, y'all. Be very jealous ;-)

Now, I lay here with my feet propped up and think of all the good that has come from the previous 12 months. Good? Did Vicky just say that good came from all this hell? Yep. What has gotten in me today?! I blame it on the anesthesia hahaha!! 

Good #1- Phil and I are still going strong. We will not let this destroy our marriage. 

Good #2- All modesty "went out tha winda" hehe. Seriously though, talking about miscarriage, uterus, traumatic experiences of miscarrying at home, excessive blood loss close to needing a transfusion, depression, and the list goes on inside. Society can suck a big toe...women need to talk about their emotions (my poor husband) therefore I will. Some women feel like they need to "be strong always" and never break. If you can do that, no disrespect...but I can't. And I know there has to be other women feeling the same, worried about what other people think. So to those women- I'm here. Your feelings won't scare me away even though you fear so. Chances are I've had them too. Chances are other women have had them too. 

Good #3- I KNOW I have family and friends here to support me. 

Good #4- I'm healthy and alive! 

Good #5- my redeemer lives and loves me!!!!! 

Merry Christmas, friends! You guys are amazing and I love you!! 

Vicky, out ;-)