Grief

A friend sent this picture to me yesterday. I love how God sends friends or little signs at the perfect time. When this friend sent me this picture, I was in the middle of sharing a synopsis of my last year with the miscarriages. I had just "lost it" yet again and wasn't sure I was going to get it back together. Some call it coincidence...I call it God. 

I have been getting so down and frustrated lately because I'm not "over it" by now. **no judgment needed, thanks** I cry for no apparent reason and without warning. The crying isn't just a tear though. It's usually uncontrollable sobbing. I just love being a woman with hormones...ha. Not. Well, I do love being a woman- but the hormones are annoying sometimes. My poor husband, family, and friends are confused often. Heck! I'm confused often. I can't stop just because someone says to. I can't prevent these things; we'll call them episodes. People don't understand...here's a big shocker for you...I don't understand. But I'm not meant to understand. I've stopped asking why (for the most part. I still have moments of weakness where I can't help it) and started asking what. What can I do with this trial we've been through. What can I do to help others? What can I learn from this experience? 

Yesterday was a why day. So when my friend sent this picture, it was a huge reminder that there is no timeline on grief. I must stop setting expectations for my grief. I must stop setting expectations for my feelings. I must ride this roller coaster even though I hate them. 

Friends, thank you for being there even though you don't understand. I don't necessarily need the perfect advice. Only one can give that. So if you find yourself around someone who is grieving, no matter what type of grief, just give them a hug or high five or I'm thinking about you or sometimes silence is okay too. It may be boring for you, but for us it'll mean the world. 

Thanksgiving...that'll be another post. ;-)

Vicky, out ;-)

Exciting News!!!

Say hello to the newly hired 4th grade teacher :) 

**this is from the driver's seat, but I was stopped when I snapped this pic**

I'm excited to trade in this:

For this:

At least during the day I won't be using my crochet hook. But you better believe I'll be hookin away on the weekends ;-)

I don't actually begin for a little over a week but I'm stoked to have already met and passed ideas around with some of my teammates. The Lord really blessed me when He sent me to this school to interview. I can already tell the collaboration and camaraderie is leaps and bounds ahead of some of the schools I've been in (whether teaching, interviewing or volunteering). 

Now to spend my "free" time planning lessons and grading papers and thinking (read stressing) about the kids... I. Am. Stoked! Some of you may be thinking, girl you're crazy! I'd gladly trade places with you and stay home and do nothing while you teach for me.

Well, let me tell you- not gonna lie, I enjoyed being away from all of the stress for a while. But dang I missed being in the classroom. My close friends and family can attest to that! The excitement exuding from me has been overwhelming for sure! It has been a very long three days and tomorrow is bound to be another long one, but I can hardly contain the excitement!!! I hope these ladies are ready for me haha. ;-) no worries-I've already warned them I'm a little on the OCD side and a tad bit of perfectionist. Just a tad. 

Happy Thursday to all!!! 

Enjoying the scenery on my way to the school this afternoon! 

Vicky, out :-)

Suffering, Endurance, Character, Hope

Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, (Romans 5:3, 4 ESV)

"The waiting isn’t just the hardest part, it’s the growing part. And the Gardener can’t be rushed in this season. He won’t be rushed in this season." She Reads Truth

Part One: 

Recently, I've been reading devotions from She Reads Truth (http://shereadstruth.com) and I'm loving them! I found this site through a blog of a woman who has lost multiple babies. It has been heart wrenching to read her blog at times. However, I can honestly say that through the tears I've cried for this woman I've never met, I have been encouraged every time. She has no clue who I am but by golly she has helped me through this season of my life. (dianawrote.com) 

Back to the beginning statement. 

"The waiting isn’t just the hardest part, it’s the growing part. And the Gardener can’t be rushed in this season. He won’t be rushed in this season." She Reads Truth

Man oh man has this waiting been hard. Some of you may not understand, and that's okay. I don't understand a lot of it either. The one thing you can do though is not judge based on my feelings. We are approaching our due date with the second pregnancy. The one that was going to work because we already had one miscarriage. And "just because you've had one miscarriage, doesn't mean you'll have another" or "yes, the chances of successful pregnancy decreases after a miscarriage but there's no reason for your miscarriage so that doesn't mean this one won't keep. Sometimes they just happen." Well I'm here to tell you, those statements SUCK. You may be thinking, Vicky they should make you happy or they should give you hope. Nope. Not happy. Even after receiving a diagnosis after our last pregnancy loss, I'm still not "happy" at all. Medically they cannot guarantee my diagnosis is the reason for multiple losses. It is all just a possibility. So now, I have to have surgery (to remove a polyp) and take extra medication (for MTHFR) all for a sliver of hope to hold on to that the next pregnancy will be THE one. 

A friend recently asked when we thought we'd try again (those questions don't bother me at all) and I told her physically we could start trying in a couple of months. Emotionally/psychologically, I'm not sure. There's a lot of that lately- the I'm not sure statements. 

She said, well are you excited about trying again and having a baby in the next year? My answer was this: "Yes, if I think of only the end in sight, yes I am excited as all get out. Take away all fear and nerves, and I'm left super excited."

Unfortunately, that's not how it works. If only it could. Nope. Because if that's how it worked, I wouldn't feel the need to trust God. To share my fears with my husband. To learn the true meaning of open communication. I'm learning to enjoy the season I'm in right now. I'm learning all about growth as a person. Spiritual growth. Emotional growth. Intellectual growth. I will rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope. I do have hope (tiny as it may be right now) that we will have a baby on earth to hug and smother with kisses. But right now, I'm going to enjoy this season. Life passes all too quickly. 

Well that went off on a tangent... Whoops. Haha!

Be confused. It's okay. I embrace the confusion now :) sometimes. 

Part Deux:

We moved here over 2 years ago. 

Two summers spent searching endlessly for a teaching position nearby. Two school years spent irritated that there were no openings. After going to an interview that totally turned me off, I said to heck with it. Being belittled because I went to South Carolina schools, earned my degree in South Carolina, and decided to teach in South Carolina public schools. "I don't mean any offense, but why would you teach in a state that has the lowest education?" **and it wasn't a statement for the purpose of gathering information, as he laughed while saying these things** 

It took every ounce of my being to keep composure. Obviously it didn't work very well because I didn't get that job haha. 

Anyhow, after giving up on the job search a long time ago...the husband came home and says I should look into another school district (just happens to be 45 minutes away). 

After 2.5 years of no teaching job, I'm excited to say this waiting season is over. More info to come.

 I was thoroughly impressed as I sat in the interview. God has definitely blessed me with this position. People, I'm here to say prayer works. And not in your timing either. Cause I sure wouldn't have chosen to wait this long for a teaching job here. But my ways are not His ways. 

I'll end this long post with some lyrics that I've been relishing in lately.......look it up-be encouraged. 

Hello, My Name Is

Matthew West

Hello, my name is regret

I’m pretty sure we have met

Every single day of your life

I’m the whisper inside

That won’t let you forget

Hello, my name is defeat

I know you recognize me

Just when you think you can win

I’ll drag you right back down again

‘Til you’ve lost all belief

Oh, these are the voices. Oh, these are the lies

And I have believed them for the very last time

Hello, my name is child of the one true King

I’ve been saved, I’ve been changed, I have been set free

"Amazing Grace" is the song I sing

Hello, my name is child of the one true King

Vicky, out :)