Wandering Thoughts: 2015

The Disclaimer: This post is very long, took me literally all day to write, and I did not proofread for errors.

Timehop- what a cool invention! Takes you back to posts you made years in the past. Today's timehop included a post we made two years ago today. A post that was the end of a leg in a journey of excitement and joy beyond words. A post that was still only the beginning of another leg in a journey of heartache. A post of disbelief. A post of loss.

Two years ago, we lost our first baby.

That post seems so far away yet still so fresh in my mind.

What we didn't know at the time is that we'd have to give two more updates like this one. As I sit here today, it wasn't in my wildest dreams that we'd ever experience pregnancy loss...let alone three losses before we'd get to hold our precious gift from above. She's perfect for us...well the nighttime restlessness is tough. And so is nursing. But I'm trying to learn to enjoy the small things in these perfectly imperfect moments because they are also fleeting moments.

Now for post some of you have been waiting a couple weeks for...the story of her birth. Truth be told, it's not that I haven't had time to write this post. I've had time. Especially when she nursed every hour for anywhere from ten to thirty minutes each time. Truth be told, I haven't had time that I wanted to devote to reliving part of her birth. The part that was scary for us all. Because writing it out would mean I had to think about those moments all over again and I just wasn't ready. I *think* I'm ready now, 17 days later.

December 23rd, one day shy of 40 weeks, we went to our final OB appointment during this pregnancy. Side note: our doctors are amazing! The doctor we started seeing over a year ago for infertility (the one that helped us stay pregnant) is the doctor we ended our appointments with. Back to the appointment- she stripped my membranes and said she didn't think we'd make it much longer before baby arrived. Her exact words were "let's strip those membranes, I've got the magic touch...but this is gonna hurt."

Thanks, doc. It did hurt but definitely not as bad as the previous appointment's exam that left me in serious tears. She also wanted us on the schedule for induction just in case AG didn't want to come on her own (we were measuring 41weeks). So we left that appointment with an induction scheduled for 6am the next day. The. Next. Day!! I definitely did not realize induction would be scheduled so soon but I was ready (so I thought) to meet this girl!! We left that appointment excited and nervous and anxious and scared and every other emotion you can imagine. The day was finally coming that we'd meet our daughter.

After our appointment we went to lunch and about our day as normal. There was some pain but I chalked it up to discomfort from the exam. Just a week prior, we went to an appointment and then to the hospital because we thought it was time- only to be sent home. There were a few contractions here and there but nothing consistent enough to time or warrant another trip to labor and delivery. We stayed up pretty late that night just making sure we had absolutely everything we thought we'd need at the hospital and just trying to soak it all in that this was our last day as just husband and wife before we brought a baby home. Around midnight, shortly after Phil finally dozed off, the pain started back. This time with a vengeance. I tried rolling over in bed. I tried leaning over the bed. I tried walking. I tried the couch/recliner downstairs. I tried using the yoga ball. I tried a hot shower. Nothing worked. After a little over an hour of very consistent contractions that were 2-4 minutes apart and lasting at least a minute, I decided I should wake him up. At 1:20am on December 24th I woke Phil up crying "I know you just fell asleep and I'm really sorry but I think we should go to the hospital." I think I even said somewhere on the way to the hospital that if this wasn't the real deal this time and they send us home, I was going to die.

After getting dressed and putting a few last minute things into the car we arrived in labor and delivery at 1:45am. This time I didn't even go to the triage type room where you sit, hooked up to a monitor for an hour to see if you're in real labor or not. Wanting to throw up from the pain and crying through every contraction, we went straight to the room where I'd give birth. There was pain all over. Back pain, stomach pain, "inside" pain. And by golly nothing seemed to be helping it either.

Once admitted, they did another exam and I was 5cm. By 2:25am, I'd had an iv started with blood work on its way to the lab. At 2:45am I was told to get up and use the bathroom then I could have an epidural. My whole pregnancy I went back and forth on getting the epidural. After our three losses, I didn't want any intervention that could potentially harm AG. I needed to know she'd make it out okay and the risks of an epidural, although minute, weren't really on my list of things to allow. Anyhow, we decided on the epidural. Plenty of people get them. It wouldn't make me less of a mom if I got one. It would help ease my pain. Sign me up. I was terrified of that big ol needle though. Well, more terrified of trying to sit still through a contraction but I did it. Anesthesiologist and nurse were quite impressed with how quickly he was able to get in and out because I did so well. Yep, shameless kudos to me.

Ten minutes later- relatively pain free and thinking the epidural is a godsend!! No more tears. No more expletives. Almost 6cm and -1 station.

At 3:30 I was told to rest as much as possible while I continued to dilate more but little miss AG hated the straps around my belly and all of the monitors hooked up to me. Know how easy it is to rest when you have someone trying to kick the monitors off from the inside :)

At 4:30am I woke up after a 45 minute nap. Those 45 minutes felt like a million bucks after the lack of sleep so far that night. The epidural worked quite nicely. The only complaints I had at that point were my toes felt really tingly and I was freezing. I'd take the tingly toes and freezing because the contractions were so much easier to bear. By this point, Phil is sleeping extremely well on the couch. Can't blame him. He'd need his rest so he could be of use when the pushing started.

5:00am- time to nap again. All I could think was, hopefully I'll get another hour or so before the doctor or nurses come in again. I didn't fall asleep til about 6am. I had been in touch with my mom and sisters to let them know when we were admitted but I tried to let my mom rest since she's be driving up to be with us. Right before I fell asleep (5:45am), I called her and she'd just left her house for the drive up. We wanted Abigail to come, but I also wanted her to wait as long as possible so my mom could be there too.

7:00am- yay! I got another hour of sleep. When I woke up, I felt a wet gown when I went to scratch my belly. At some point in the past hour, my water had finally broken. I had to call a nurse in because I didn't feel it break and didn't know what was going on. They tested it- water definitely broken. Had another exam and we'd made it to 8cm and 90% effaced. This dilating this was exhausting. No telling how long it'd be but the nurse thought we'd have a baby by lunch. No worries, Abigail was on her own schedule.

9:45am- I thought I felt the urge to push but they checked again and I wasn't fully dilated...still only 8cm. Or that's what they told me haha!

10:20am- super tired all of a sudden. Couldn't stay awake.

Mom made it to the hospital around noon and we all spent some time just talking before it was time for the doctor to come in again.

1pm- time to start pushing. I pushed for a few sets of contractions and holy hell that was tough. I don't know what I thought pushing would be like, but it wasn't peachy. It was hard work! The hardest part was not breathing while I pushed but trying to catch a big breath before the next 10 count push came along. 4 sets of 10 count pushes each contraction. We weren't getting anywhere. We tried having me sit up more and holding on to these handles in the bed. That was harder. I leaned back a little more and pushed that way. My nurse and mom were on one side of me. My doctor was sitting/standing at the end of the bed. Phil was on the other side of me. This lasted almost an hour. Then I remember my nurse calling the nursery nurses in...I remembered enough from my sister's delivery to know it was almost time for baby to enter the world. They don't call nursery in until last minute. She was almost here!!!

A few more pushes...

My nurse pushes the call button again. Half a dozen nurses/doctors are in my room now. How did this happen? I remember my mom being moved out of the way, her telling Phil to move out of the way, my nurse getting on top of me, two nurses taking my legs, extra nursery nurses, doctor...what's happening?

The way I remember it, the nurses were calm but very forceful in their directions for me to push. To push harder and longer. How the hell was I supposed to do that when I'd already been giving it my all? My nurse is on top of me, pushing so hard on my stomach. My doctor is doing things at the end of the bed to get AG out. The leg nurses are still giving orders to push harder. Abigail's head was finally out but her shoulders were stuck. Shoulder dystocia...when the baby's shoulder gets stuck behind the pubic bone and the remainder of the body doesn't follow the head easily during a vaginal delivery. You can google if you'd like. I stopped googling it. Back to delivery- my nurse is now pressing all her weight into my pubic bone and my stomach to get this baby out. The doctor is stretching and moving to get this baby out. Abigail isn't making any noise. My doctor clears her mouth but she isn't breathing. They say she was stunned. The only things I hear are the nurses and doctor telling me to push and a distant sound of my mom and Phil in the background. At 2:06pm, Abigail comes out all the way. They hand her to the nursery personnel while the doctor and nurses work on me. I had a first degree tear that needed tending to. This whole time, I'm trying to focus on what's happening around me but I still can't hear Abigail. I ask why she isn't crying. It feels like an eternity in those moments...waiting to hear your child's first cry. Every single horrific thought possible entered my mind in those moments. There's nothing like seeing the looks on faces around you, hearing your husband and mother cry, and not hearing your newborn's first cry. As soon as I asked why she wasn't crying, Abigail let out a big wail to let us all know she was okay.

I'm not sure exactly how long it was, but we didn't get to hold her right away. And from the way I was laying, I didn't get to see her either. But I finally got to hear that coveted first cry. The nursery folks had to work on her for her first minutes of life. I could no longer see my husband and mom but I could hear them talk about how chunky her legs were and how much dark hair she had. I could hear the nurses asking if we knew she'd be *this* big. (By the way, no we didn't know how big she'd be. I didn't ask. I didn't want to know.)

After some minutes, we finally got to hold our 9 pound 13 ounce, dark haired, chubby cheeked, bundled up baby girl. The baby we'd been trying for two years to have, had made her appearance on Christmas Eve. Thank the good Lord. We'd made it.

They took her to the nursery to further evaluate and bathe her while I was able to eat something. We ate a late lunch on the 23rd, I had a snack around dinner time, and then nothing until 3:30pm on the 24th. This momma was HUNGRY!

At 4:40pm, the on-site pediatrician came in to tell us Abigail had a fractured collarbone. With the eventful delivery we experienced, it isn't uncommon for babies this size to have a fractured/broken collarbone. The good news came when she said after some tests, she doesn't think there's any long term concerns. No noticeable nerve damage. The only treatment is to keep her left arm inside her clothes for a week or so. And in a few weeks time, her collarbone would be healed and good as gold. The way her head was positioned, she also has a bump (hematoma) on her head and her right eye has some red around the iris from my pushing her against the pelvic bone. Both should go away with time.

I cannot say enough praise about our hospital stay at Obici. The nurses in the women's center were amazing! Due to our stay being over a holiday, we saw quite a few nurses but I loved them all. Well minus one but she wasn't bad- just not the "out of their way" bedside manner that came with the experienced nurses. My doctors at Genis Women's Care were amazing as well.

Some stats on our squishy so far:

Birth Weight: 9lbs 13oz (22.5inches long)

Weight at Discharge: 9lbs 8oz

First appointment (5days old): 9lbs 7oz

Two week appointment: 10lbs 2oz

Looks like my concerns of her not getting enough milk are null and void. Our girl is definitely growing.

Now our squishy faced little girl is approaching three weeks old, eating almost constantly, and keeping us on our toes already. Mommy and Daddy are doing well too. We just don't go to bed til well after midnight. Most days we stay snuggled in bed til almost lunchtime. One day we'll get into a better routine.

Now some pictures from her birth day: