Dementia..............

.............you SUCK! A big, fat, nasty, fungus infested toe. 

I found this picture online and thought, man! how true is #4!!?? Then I thought, oh man, #5. Oh man. How hard it is to accept that your loved one cannot always respond in a way that is comprehensible. It is one of the toughest pills I've had to swallow. 

Some say I have had it easy so far. I don't live in town and I only see snippets. Maybe that's true. Maybe I can handle it all because I don't see it every day. Maybe I can handle it all because I'm good at talking with her. Tonight? Different story altogether. 

Tonight, I couldn't handle it all because I know life is precious and fragile. 

Tonight, unavoidable meltdown. 

Tonight, my cart has gone off course and I'm plummeting off the roller coaster. 

Tonight, I'm snuggled up with my two pups- all of us wishing the mister was home too. 

Tonight, I'm watching We Bought a Zoo and bawling my eyes out!!

Tonight, I'm laying here wishing we lived closer to family. 

Tonight, I want my family and friends to know how much I love them. I know they are the glue that helps me stay together. 

Just keep talking. 

Vicky, out. 

January Madness

Where the heck has January gone?! I know it's only the 21st... but it's already the 21st!! 

I have been so busy with teaching and the end of the quarter quickly approaching and the weekends are spent trying to catch up on housework (it never happens) and trying to spend real, quality time with my mister and our two pugs. And that was a terrible run-on. Meh, win some-lose some. 

So, we've been given the "go ahead" by our doctor to start trying again for a successful pregnancy. Lemme just say, it's terrifying this time. **its not always easy for me to address these issues individually so if you're sitting there thinking "why doesn't she tell me this stuff??!!" It isn't exactly a topic that is easily brought up.** okay, back to my story. It is terrifying. Last pregnancy, I thought (and told myself) we've already been through 2 miscarriages, with no apparent medical reason, surely it won't happen again. Surely. I tried for a while telling myself we weren't actually pregnant. Then I told myself we'd already been through two losses no way we'd go through a third. Boy was I wrong. Wrong as wrong could be. 

So, thinking we've been through 3 losses and wondering what will happen if/when there is a fourth pregnancy is terrifying. Am I excited about trying again to *hopefully* having our first child? Somewhere deep down inside, yes. I go from "woohoo this is going to be an amazing year and we will *hopefully* have a baby" to "holy cow I'm not ready for this roller coaster of what ifs" to "man I'm so glad I have a supportive husband and family/friends to help me through my crazy times". 

So to my friends, family, and coworkers that may be reading this...when you see me stressed out, just know "it'll be okay" because eventually it will! Maybe ask if I need a timeout to breathe haha. But seriously, we'd appreciate your thoughts and prayers as we face a new year with (one day) a successful pregnancy. 

(No. We are not pregnant. So stop wondering. Haha.)

Vicky, out :-)

Out with the old...

Yep. Cliché much? 

Meh, time for a new year. 2013 was an interesting year that included many ups and downs of life. We experienced much loss but also much gain. I'm excited and anxious to see what 2014 has in store for our family and friends! I know it will be a great year!! 

Although 2013 included much loss, it was still a great year. We spent time with family and friends which is one of my favorite things to do! By far! I am looking forward to many more days/nights spent with family and friends this year. I am looking forward to how my relationship with my husband will grow! I am looking forward to seeing how far my "kiddos" have come this school year! I am looking forward to not making New Year's Resolutions that only last a week or two, month at most. I'm looking forward to setting and accomplishing many goals! 

May your new year be filled with much joy and happiness, and a little sadness too. Debbie downer? No!! Just enough sadness to remember the smallest of joys in your life! There are SO many!! When you start to feel down, make a list of all the GOOD in your life! There is much to be thankful for, even in the downest of days :)

Happy New Year, friends! Love and blessings!!

And, just for giggles- 7 years ago, it took my husband (then we were just friends) 16 hours for a "New Years kiss"...It makes me giggle every time I think about it!! This year (due to work and sleep) I received my "New Years kiss" 16 hours later... Yep, makes me giggle. 

Off on a tangent...or two or three

I had another surgery today. Another d&c. Yep, same procedure as the one in June but different purpose. This time, they were removing a polyp. After a few months of knowing it was there and knowing that with it, chances of a successful pregnancy were diminished, it has been evicted. The doctor also removed some extra tissue. I don't remember much due to serious anesthesia, but what I do remember is having an amazing doctor. She has been where I am. She lost multiple babies, had to take aspirin and extra folic acid, progesterone, and after all of this she was able to have her second living child. I know that when she offers her condolences or platitudes, they aren't just from her trainings or a book. She truly knows how I feel. Things I can't always express to everyone. Sometimes it's just a look and she gives one back and I know. Know that she's there to support me through this as a doctor. Is she my best friend? No. I have one of those and she's been there too unfortunately. Multiple pregnancy loss and now has her spunky little stinker. Man I love that kid and his parents!! 

Back to today- I woke up from surgery very much in emotional pain. It sucked being there again. Even if it wasn't for the same reason as the last, it brought back all of the emotions of being in the naval hospital six and a half months ago. I bawled then too. My first words out of surgery that time? I miss our baby. First words this time? It makes me remember and miss our baby. It's amazing what the body remembers when the mind tries to be strong! No matter how hard I tried to focus on this surgery being different than the last, I still sobbed. It took them about 20 minutes to get me calm. Reassuring me, I was awake from surgery and "okay". Ha! Okay? Ha!!

My doctor says, it's okay we got everything out and we're gonna get you pregnant. :) definitely don't have trouble getting pregnant but those words felt good. She's done so much for my husband and I! We are definitely thankful for her and their practice. 

2014 will be a better year. I'm declaring it now! We have come so far these last 12 months and I know we will continue to be blessed in our marriage through it all! This man is amazing. Be jealous, y'all. Be very jealous ;-)

Now, I lay here with my feet propped up and think of all the good that has come from the previous 12 months. Good? Did Vicky just say that good came from all this hell? Yep. What has gotten in me today?! I blame it on the anesthesia hahaha!! 

Good #1- Phil and I are still going strong. We will not let this destroy our marriage. 

Good #2- All modesty "went out tha winda" hehe. Seriously though, talking about miscarriage, uterus, traumatic experiences of miscarrying at home, excessive blood loss close to needing a transfusion, depression, and the list goes on inside. Society can suck a big toe...women need to talk about their emotions (my poor husband) therefore I will. Some women feel like they need to "be strong always" and never break. If you can do that, no disrespect...but I can't. And I know there has to be other women feeling the same, worried about what other people think. So to those women- I'm here. Your feelings won't scare me away even though you fear so. Chances are I've had them too. Chances are other women have had them too. 

Good #3- I KNOW I have family and friends here to support me. 

Good #4- I'm healthy and alive! 

Good #5- my redeemer lives and loves me!!!!! 

Merry Christmas, friends! You guys are amazing and I love you!! 

Vicky, out ;-)

Christmas Ornaments, Unabashed Tears

A few weeks ago, I mentioned to my husband wanting to put our Christmas tree up ASAP. I asked him to go through the ornaments prior to us decorating the tree due to an ornament we picked out last Christmas. The one depicting a pregnant momma with the daddy. The one showing we were expecting a little bundle of joy. The one we were so excited to share with everyone. The one that reminds us of our baby. The baby we lost just ten days into the new year. The baby we were expecting to join us on earth in July. The baby we didn't get to meet. The baby whose memory I tried to push aside for a long time. 

This baby will forever be a part of my heart. 

I have been trying to avoid these emotions that are arising. Trying to pretend they don't exist. Pretend we haven't endured so much loss in just 12 short months. 

That's just it, we have endured the loss. Not succumbed. Endured. Continued in this existence. We have become stronger in this adventure. Therefore, I have decided to hang this ornament. A friend, very near and dear to my heart, sent me the other ornament. This ornament means so much to me. It recognizes that I am a mother. No, I never held my babies. It doesn't change the fact that I had 3 precious little ones inside that stole a piece of my heart when they left this earth to meet their Heavenly Father. I can't change the past. I can't worry about the many "why" questions. I can't go back in time. What I can do, is spend this holiday remembering the babies lost and remembering who holds them. That being said, I may lose it a few times. I may have a hard time with reality and in turn, there will be tears. Unabashed, just allow me to let them fall.  Please. And when I get embarrassed on my own accord...cause it's bound to happen...tell me it's okay to let them fall and it doesn't bother you. Haha. Yeah, someone crying out of the blue isn't uncomfortable at all, is it? 

Merry early Christmas. Love the ones you're with. 

Vicky, out. 

Unloved. Teaching After Miscarriage(s). Soapbox.

Teaching after our miscarriages has been lovely, heartbreaking, amazing, tough... These children need love. They need to know someone is there for them. Will I be their best friend? No way. Do I want them to "like" me? Meh. I want them to know that I'm there to help them through this year and give them the tools and strategies needed for life. 

It's been tough on me when I see a kid come to school with the attitude of "I'm unloved" - Those days hurt. It makes me miss our babies even more. Makes me wonder, would they have felt that way? Surely not on purpose. But I don't think parents intentionally raise children to feel unloved. At least I hope and pray not. 

At dinner, the mister and I were talking about my day and my passion for teaching and compassion for kids showed through tears. In a very upset state of mind, I questioned "I wonder if it'd be easier if I didn't care so dang much?" He quickly put me in my place. No it wouldn't be easier...because then these kids would leave me thinking that yet another person didn't care about them. They are 9 and 10 years old. Their whole life is ahead of them!  They will do great things. By golly, I want them to know there are people out there caring about their day. Caring about their accomplishments. Caring about their new shoes. Caring about their future. 

Rant over. Somewhat. I wonder what our babies would've been like. Would they have had my passion for caring about others? Would they have had their daddy's smarts? Who would they have looked like? Who would they go to when they had a rough day? Would they have known (truly known) they could come to us no matter what? Would they have actually done it? Would they have had good teachers? I could would all day and night. 

Love your babies. Let them know they are loved. Don't just assume they know it. I know, I know- why take advice from someone who has never had a child and been a parent? You're right, I don't have a child. I have 52 of them this year. 

Grief

A friend sent this picture to me yesterday. I love how God sends friends or little signs at the perfect time. When this friend sent me this picture, I was in the middle of sharing a synopsis of my last year with the miscarriages. I had just "lost it" yet again and wasn't sure I was going to get it back together. Some call it coincidence...I call it God. 

I have been getting so down and frustrated lately because I'm not "over it" by now. **no judgment needed, thanks** I cry for no apparent reason and without warning. The crying isn't just a tear though. It's usually uncontrollable sobbing. I just love being a woman with hormones...ha. Not. Well, I do love being a woman- but the hormones are annoying sometimes. My poor husband, family, and friends are confused often. Heck! I'm confused often. I can't stop just because someone says to. I can't prevent these things; we'll call them episodes. People don't understand...here's a big shocker for you...I don't understand. But I'm not meant to understand. I've stopped asking why (for the most part. I still have moments of weakness where I can't help it) and started asking what. What can I do with this trial we've been through. What can I do to help others? What can I learn from this experience? 

Yesterday was a why day. So when my friend sent this picture, it was a huge reminder that there is no timeline on grief. I must stop setting expectations for my grief. I must stop setting expectations for my feelings. I must ride this roller coaster even though I hate them. 

Friends, thank you for being there even though you don't understand. I don't necessarily need the perfect advice. Only one can give that. So if you find yourself around someone who is grieving, no matter what type of grief, just give them a hug or high five or I'm thinking about you or sometimes silence is okay too. It may be boring for you, but for us it'll mean the world. 

Thanksgiving...that'll be another post. ;-)

Vicky, out ;-)