Out with the old...

Yep. Cliché much? 

Meh, time for a new year. 2013 was an interesting year that included many ups and downs of life. We experienced much loss but also much gain. I'm excited and anxious to see what 2014 has in store for our family and friends! I know it will be a great year!! 

Although 2013 included much loss, it was still a great year. We spent time with family and friends which is one of my favorite things to do! By far! I am looking forward to many more days/nights spent with family and friends this year. I am looking forward to how my relationship with my husband will grow! I am looking forward to seeing how far my "kiddos" have come this school year! I am looking forward to not making New Year's Resolutions that only last a week or two, month at most. I'm looking forward to setting and accomplishing many goals! 

May your new year be filled with much joy and happiness, and a little sadness too. Debbie downer? No!! Just enough sadness to remember the smallest of joys in your life! There are SO many!! When you start to feel down, make a list of all the GOOD in your life! There is much to be thankful for, even in the downest of days :)

Happy New Year, friends! Love and blessings!!

And, just for giggles- 7 years ago, it took my husband (then we were just friends) 16 hours for a "New Years kiss"...It makes me giggle every time I think about it!! This year (due to work and sleep) I received my "New Years kiss" 16 hours later... Yep, makes me giggle. 

Off on a tangent...or two or three

I had another surgery today. Another d&c. Yep, same procedure as the one in June but different purpose. This time, they were removing a polyp. After a few months of knowing it was there and knowing that with it, chances of a successful pregnancy were diminished, it has been evicted. The doctor also removed some extra tissue. I don't remember much due to serious anesthesia, but what I do remember is having an amazing doctor. She has been where I am. She lost multiple babies, had to take aspirin and extra folic acid, progesterone, and after all of this she was able to have her second living child. I know that when she offers her condolences or platitudes, they aren't just from her trainings or a book. She truly knows how I feel. Things I can't always express to everyone. Sometimes it's just a look and she gives one back and I know. Know that she's there to support me through this as a doctor. Is she my best friend? No. I have one of those and she's been there too unfortunately. Multiple pregnancy loss and now has her spunky little stinker. Man I love that kid and his parents!! 

Back to today- I woke up from surgery very much in emotional pain. It sucked being there again. Even if it wasn't for the same reason as the last, it brought back all of the emotions of being in the naval hospital six and a half months ago. I bawled then too. My first words out of surgery that time? I miss our baby. First words this time? It makes me remember and miss our baby. It's amazing what the body remembers when the mind tries to be strong! No matter how hard I tried to focus on this surgery being different than the last, I still sobbed. It took them about 20 minutes to get me calm. Reassuring me, I was awake from surgery and "okay". Ha! Okay? Ha!!

My doctor says, it's okay we got everything out and we're gonna get you pregnant. :) definitely don't have trouble getting pregnant but those words felt good. She's done so much for my husband and I! We are definitely thankful for her and their practice. 

2014 will be a better year. I'm declaring it now! We have come so far these last 12 months and I know we will continue to be blessed in our marriage through it all! This man is amazing. Be jealous, y'all. Be very jealous ;-)

Now, I lay here with my feet propped up and think of all the good that has come from the previous 12 months. Good? Did Vicky just say that good came from all this hell? Yep. What has gotten in me today?! I blame it on the anesthesia hahaha!! 

Good #1- Phil and I are still going strong. We will not let this destroy our marriage. 

Good #2- All modesty "went out tha winda" hehe. Seriously though, talking about miscarriage, uterus, traumatic experiences of miscarrying at home, excessive blood loss close to needing a transfusion, depression, and the list goes on inside. Society can suck a big toe...women need to talk about their emotions (my poor husband) therefore I will. Some women feel like they need to "be strong always" and never break. If you can do that, no disrespect...but I can't. And I know there has to be other women feeling the same, worried about what other people think. So to those women- I'm here. Your feelings won't scare me away even though you fear so. Chances are I've had them too. Chances are other women have had them too. 

Good #3- I KNOW I have family and friends here to support me. 

Good #4- I'm healthy and alive! 

Good #5- my redeemer lives and loves me!!!!! 

Merry Christmas, friends! You guys are amazing and I love you!! 

Vicky, out ;-)

Christmas Ornaments, Unabashed Tears

A few weeks ago, I mentioned to my husband wanting to put our Christmas tree up ASAP. I asked him to go through the ornaments prior to us decorating the tree due to an ornament we picked out last Christmas. The one depicting a pregnant momma with the daddy. The one showing we were expecting a little bundle of joy. The one we were so excited to share with everyone. The one that reminds us of our baby. The baby we lost just ten days into the new year. The baby we were expecting to join us on earth in July. The baby we didn't get to meet. The baby whose memory I tried to push aside for a long time. 

This baby will forever be a part of my heart. 

I have been trying to avoid these emotions that are arising. Trying to pretend they don't exist. Pretend we haven't endured so much loss in just 12 short months. 

That's just it, we have endured the loss. Not succumbed. Endured. Continued in this existence. We have become stronger in this adventure. Therefore, I have decided to hang this ornament. A friend, very near and dear to my heart, sent me the other ornament. This ornament means so much to me. It recognizes that I am a mother. No, I never held my babies. It doesn't change the fact that I had 3 precious little ones inside that stole a piece of my heart when they left this earth to meet their Heavenly Father. I can't change the past. I can't worry about the many "why" questions. I can't go back in time. What I can do, is spend this holiday remembering the babies lost and remembering who holds them. That being said, I may lose it a few times. I may have a hard time with reality and in turn, there will be tears. Unabashed, just allow me to let them fall.  Please. And when I get embarrassed on my own accord...cause it's bound to happen...tell me it's okay to let them fall and it doesn't bother you. Haha. Yeah, someone crying out of the blue isn't uncomfortable at all, is it? 

Merry early Christmas. Love the ones you're with. 

Vicky, out. 

Unloved. Teaching After Miscarriage(s). Soapbox.

Teaching after our miscarriages has been lovely, heartbreaking, amazing, tough... These children need love. They need to know someone is there for them. Will I be their best friend? No way. Do I want them to "like" me? Meh. I want them to know that I'm there to help them through this year and give them the tools and strategies needed for life. 

It's been tough on me when I see a kid come to school with the attitude of "I'm unloved" - Those days hurt. It makes me miss our babies even more. Makes me wonder, would they have felt that way? Surely not on purpose. But I don't think parents intentionally raise children to feel unloved. At least I hope and pray not. 

At dinner, the mister and I were talking about my day and my passion for teaching and compassion for kids showed through tears. In a very upset state of mind, I questioned "I wonder if it'd be easier if I didn't care so dang much?" He quickly put me in my place. No it wouldn't be easier...because then these kids would leave me thinking that yet another person didn't care about them. They are 9 and 10 years old. Their whole life is ahead of them!  They will do great things. By golly, I want them to know there are people out there caring about their day. Caring about their accomplishments. Caring about their new shoes. Caring about their future. 

Rant over. Somewhat. I wonder what our babies would've been like. Would they have had my passion for caring about others? Would they have had their daddy's smarts? Who would they have looked like? Who would they go to when they had a rough day? Would they have known (truly known) they could come to us no matter what? Would they have actually done it? Would they have had good teachers? I could would all day and night. 

Love your babies. Let them know they are loved. Don't just assume they know it. I know, I know- why take advice from someone who has never had a child and been a parent? You're right, I don't have a child. I have 52 of them this year. 

Grief

A friend sent this picture to me yesterday. I love how God sends friends or little signs at the perfect time. When this friend sent me this picture, I was in the middle of sharing a synopsis of my last year with the miscarriages. I had just "lost it" yet again and wasn't sure I was going to get it back together. Some call it coincidence...I call it God. 

I have been getting so down and frustrated lately because I'm not "over it" by now. **no judgment needed, thanks** I cry for no apparent reason and without warning. The crying isn't just a tear though. It's usually uncontrollable sobbing. I just love being a woman with hormones...ha. Not. Well, I do love being a woman- but the hormones are annoying sometimes. My poor husband, family, and friends are confused often. Heck! I'm confused often. I can't stop just because someone says to. I can't prevent these things; we'll call them episodes. People don't understand...here's a big shocker for you...I don't understand. But I'm not meant to understand. I've stopped asking why (for the most part. I still have moments of weakness where I can't help it) and started asking what. What can I do with this trial we've been through. What can I do to help others? What can I learn from this experience? 

Yesterday was a why day. So when my friend sent this picture, it was a huge reminder that there is no timeline on grief. I must stop setting expectations for my grief. I must stop setting expectations for my feelings. I must ride this roller coaster even though I hate them. 

Friends, thank you for being there even though you don't understand. I don't necessarily need the perfect advice. Only one can give that. So if you find yourself around someone who is grieving, no matter what type of grief, just give them a hug or high five or I'm thinking about you or sometimes silence is okay too. It may be boring for you, but for us it'll mean the world. 

Thanksgiving...that'll be another post. ;-)

Vicky, out ;-)

Exciting News!!!

Say hello to the newly hired 4th grade teacher :) 

**this is from the driver's seat, but I was stopped when I snapped this pic**

I'm excited to trade in this:

For this:

At least during the day I won't be using my crochet hook. But you better believe I'll be hookin away on the weekends ;-)

I don't actually begin for a little over a week but I'm stoked to have already met and passed ideas around with some of my teammates. The Lord really blessed me when He sent me to this school to interview. I can already tell the collaboration and camaraderie is leaps and bounds ahead of some of the schools I've been in (whether teaching, interviewing or volunteering). 

Now to spend my "free" time planning lessons and grading papers and thinking (read stressing) about the kids... I. Am. Stoked! Some of you may be thinking, girl you're crazy! I'd gladly trade places with you and stay home and do nothing while you teach for me.

Well, let me tell you- not gonna lie, I enjoyed being away from all of the stress for a while. But dang I missed being in the classroom. My close friends and family can attest to that! The excitement exuding from me has been overwhelming for sure! It has been a very long three days and tomorrow is bound to be another long one, but I can hardly contain the excitement!!! I hope these ladies are ready for me haha. ;-) no worries-I've already warned them I'm a little on the OCD side and a tad bit of perfectionist. Just a tad. 

Happy Thursday to all!!! 

Enjoying the scenery on my way to the school this afternoon! 

Vicky, out :-)

Suffering, Endurance, Character, Hope

Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, (Romans 5:3, 4 ESV)

"The waiting isn’t just the hardest part, it’s the growing part. And the Gardener can’t be rushed in this season. He won’t be rushed in this season." She Reads Truth

Part One: 

Recently, I've been reading devotions from She Reads Truth (http://shereadstruth.com) and I'm loving them! I found this site through a blog of a woman who has lost multiple babies. It has been heart wrenching to read her blog at times. However, I can honestly say that through the tears I've cried for this woman I've never met, I have been encouraged every time. She has no clue who I am but by golly she has helped me through this season of my life. (dianawrote.com) 

Back to the beginning statement. 

"The waiting isn’t just the hardest part, it’s the growing part. And the Gardener can’t be rushed in this season. He won’t be rushed in this season." She Reads Truth

Man oh man has this waiting been hard. Some of you may not understand, and that's okay. I don't understand a lot of it either. The one thing you can do though is not judge based on my feelings. We are approaching our due date with the second pregnancy. The one that was going to work because we already had one miscarriage. And "just because you've had one miscarriage, doesn't mean you'll have another" or "yes, the chances of successful pregnancy decreases after a miscarriage but there's no reason for your miscarriage so that doesn't mean this one won't keep. Sometimes they just happen." Well I'm here to tell you, those statements SUCK. You may be thinking, Vicky they should make you happy or they should give you hope. Nope. Not happy. Even after receiving a diagnosis after our last pregnancy loss, I'm still not "happy" at all. Medically they cannot guarantee my diagnosis is the reason for multiple losses. It is all just a possibility. So now, I have to have surgery (to remove a polyp) and take extra medication (for MTHFR) all for a sliver of hope to hold on to that the next pregnancy will be THE one. 

A friend recently asked when we thought we'd try again (those questions don't bother me at all) and I told her physically we could start trying in a couple of months. Emotionally/psychologically, I'm not sure. There's a lot of that lately- the I'm not sure statements. 

She said, well are you excited about trying again and having a baby in the next year? My answer was this: "Yes, if I think of only the end in sight, yes I am excited as all get out. Take away all fear and nerves, and I'm left super excited."

Unfortunately, that's not how it works. If only it could. Nope. Because if that's how it worked, I wouldn't feel the need to trust God. To share my fears with my husband. To learn the true meaning of open communication. I'm learning to enjoy the season I'm in right now. I'm learning all about growth as a person. Spiritual growth. Emotional growth. Intellectual growth. I will rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope. I do have hope (tiny as it may be right now) that we will have a baby on earth to hug and smother with kisses. But right now, I'm going to enjoy this season. Life passes all too quickly. 

Well that went off on a tangent... Whoops. Haha!

Be confused. It's okay. I embrace the confusion now :) sometimes. 

Part Deux:

We moved here over 2 years ago. 

Two summers spent searching endlessly for a teaching position nearby. Two school years spent irritated that there were no openings. After going to an interview that totally turned me off, I said to heck with it. Being belittled because I went to South Carolina schools, earned my degree in South Carolina, and decided to teach in South Carolina public schools. "I don't mean any offense, but why would you teach in a state that has the lowest education?" **and it wasn't a statement for the purpose of gathering information, as he laughed while saying these things** 

It took every ounce of my being to keep composure. Obviously it didn't work very well because I didn't get that job haha. 

Anyhow, after giving up on the job search a long time ago...the husband came home and says I should look into another school district (just happens to be 45 minutes away). 

After 2.5 years of no teaching job, I'm excited to say this waiting season is over. More info to come.

 I was thoroughly impressed as I sat in the interview. God has definitely blessed me with this position. People, I'm here to say prayer works. And not in your timing either. Cause I sure wouldn't have chosen to wait this long for a teaching job here. But my ways are not His ways. 

I'll end this long post with some lyrics that I've been relishing in lately.......look it up-be encouraged. 

Hello, My Name Is

Matthew West

Hello, my name is regret

I’m pretty sure we have met

Every single day of your life

I’m the whisper inside

That won’t let you forget

Hello, my name is defeat

I know you recognize me

Just when you think you can win

I’ll drag you right back down again

‘Til you’ve lost all belief

Oh, these are the voices. Oh, these are the lies

And I have believed them for the very last time

Hello, my name is child of the one true King

I’ve been saved, I’ve been changed, I have been set free

"Amazing Grace" is the song I sing

Hello, my name is child of the one true King

Vicky, out :)